Wednesday, September 30, 2009

so not impressed




I'm annoyed.
With work.
With My cat.
With My arrangements.
With My spouse, or lack there of.
With My so called friend.
With volleyball game scheduling.

This face pretty much sums up how I feel about the last couple days.

So not impressed...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Idiot Move starring Me.

Have you ever had a moment you wish you could take back.
Yeah that happened to me on Saturday.

I was told something horrible. I let it get to me and I got really upset.
So I lashed out in the text message form.

The text message was received, and of course didn't make the other party happy.
They wanted to know who told me the information.
I wouldn't give the name.

So this text message receiver made call after call until he got what he wanted.

Great.
Now I'm orchestrating clean up.

If I could I would take it back.
I feel horrible but the damage is already done.

Now it's time for me to be the big girl and apologize for my actions.

Eating crow sucks.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Homecoming

Do you remember your High school Homecoming?
Ahh those were the days, I seriously didn't have a care in the world.
Anyways anymore Homecoming wears me out.
This past week was Homecoming.

Everyday the kids dressed up for spirit week.
Thursday was the parade, and the pep assembly.


Friday was the football game.
I only lasted until half time until I was freezing, so to warm up I went to the bar.

Saturday was the Volleyball game.
All the teams C squad, JV team, and the Varsity all won, in three.
Then of course I finished the night at the bar with the other coaches and friends from college.

The Big Sky State Game volleyball girls ordered team jackets. They came in, they are awesome. I broke mine out at the football game.


Sweet new volleyball jackets. It's good to be Coach.


Friday, September 25, 2009

Currently on Repeat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlJy_Cb21Lw

This is a song I am currently relating too.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Reason for everything

I started working out yesterday.
It felt good. I felt really good afterwards.

I'm starting small, just riding my bike working up a sweat and getting my heart rate up.
Then I do 250 abs.

Yesterday I was thinking of a reason to work out you know my "Motivation"
I thought I would like to be "rocked out" again like I was in college.
Look good for bathing suit season.

But today the reason became all too clear.

I'm working out and gaining my muscle back to beat the shit out of a certain low life somebody.
It's all so clear to me know.

Bring on the cardio and weights, this homegirl is getting back what I let go.
Then I'm going to physically claim back everything he ever took from me.

I can't wait for his sorry ass to come visiting.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Slacking

I neglected to write about the volleyball game on Saturday and trust me, it's worth writing about.

We played Fort Benton.... this probably means nothing to outstanding to you but let me explain.
Fort Benton was a B school, they just dropped to a C school this year.

They have some very athletic girls, including a 5'9" sophomore that can jump. She was born to be a Middle blocker.

This game last Saturday was the first time we have played them.... ever. And to make things even more interesting, it was their Homecoming.
That's right the stands were packed and there were high school boys practically crawling over the railings and hanging from the rafters.
Needless to say, they were decked out in their finest "Longhorn" gear, painted in Maroon and white and being obnoxiously loud.

Fort Benton right away over looked us, thinking "Well Belt is only a C school and we were a B school, so really this is going to be easy."

Well they were wrong.
We played a good game.
It went to five, Fort Benton was tired.
But Belt could have gone another 3 games.

We lost the first two matches, they were close.
There were some bad calls, some missed serves, some errors made by the score keeper.
Of course, this happens every game.
In the end we won.
It was AWESOME. Fort Benton cried, I just love to make teams cry.
Fort Benton pouted and got snotty, I just love to make teams feel like crap.
Sometimes I love being a competitive girl.

The bus ride home was loud to say the least.
The girls took it upon themselves to have a singing party.
They sang Gwen Stephani, George Strait, Katy Perry, Luke Bryant, and anything else you can think of.

Did I mention that that was their first lost?
It just makes the win that much sweeter.

Monday, September 21, 2009

feeling good

It's always a comforting feeling to know you aren't alone.

It's a comfort to know there are other people who feel the same way, who are going through the same things.

It's a comfort to know in the end it will be okay.


No matter what happens, it will be okay.


"For everything you have lost, you gain something else."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Failure?

So I can't help but wonder, if I'm failing.
I don't want to be a failure in God's eyes, I would rather our marriage work.
I'm not perfect and added to the problem, but I did not want this outcome not in a million years.

I just can't help but wonder if I'm a failure in God's eyes.
I wonder if there was something more I could have done, or if I should try to patch things once again...

I have started praying more often, I always would pray for my family and friends. I asked for God to give them love, strength and guidance when they needed it. I always asked that he kept them safe.
I still want these things, but now I want to know if he views me as a failure.
I want to know what I should do. I want his help, his strength and guidance.

I'm okay with the outcome as it looks now. If divorce is the right thing.
I know I didn't and still don't want a divorce. Neither one of us did.
I also know that I want to be happy. Both of us deserve it.
I know God wants that for us as well, but in his eyes is divorce is failing?

I have prayed for a sign, anything to help point me in the right direction. I don't want to disappoint him for failing, I need help choosing my path.

I just want to be sure we are doing the right thing in God's eyes.

Friday, September 18, 2009

New Routine

I have a new outlook on things.
Well, it's actually my old outlook on things, but I've just newly restored it. Kind of....
I made some adjustments here and there, and added a few extra kinks.

Anyways, this old-new routine I've picked up starts in the morning when I get up.

Every morning.... or at least the morning that I get up in time for I enjoy breakfast.
I like to think it keeps me focused.
It gives me the energy to say "Stick it" or my personal favorite "You know I just REALLY need closure." when the times calls for it.


My new routine aka. breakfast addiction.... is

Sunflower, flax and some other melody of seed bread toasted.
Spread butter on and top with a slice of cheese.
Pop it in the microwave for 15 seconds and you have breakfast.
Enjoy it with a warm cup of Joe.
Seriously, it's so good.
It's the perfect way to start a Friday.
Speaking of Friday, Thank goodness it's finally here.
Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Really? No Really?

What a man.
You text me this morning asking me to send you papers because you really need closure. If I would send them you would appreciate it.

Wow, I really appreciate you being a chicken shit and asking for them over text message.

My reply?
Um you want papers? Put on your big boy pants and call me and ask for them.

For once, he listened and called.
I told him he would have to sign and send them in with a check. He didn't like that.
I also told him he would have to appear in court. He didn't like that either.
I threw in that he needed to send me a check for our split debt. He really didn't like that...
well, um I uh thought I was going to make payments.

My reply.... Yeah That was when I was being nice, but I'm not being nice anymore. I'm tired of bending over backwards and being crapped on.
So if you want to make payments, that's fine. But each payment will be a 100 plus dollars. You will have that debt paid off within the year. Each payment will be due on the first of each month. If your late, you will be charged interest. I don't want that to drag out and want it taken care of.
Because really, I just need some closure.
He really really didn't like that.

Sorry dude, but you were lucky I ever dated you, You were really lucky I married you. And I'm sorry but your luck has just run out.

This morning, there were some tears, mostly of anger.
But I'm still done.
I'm NOT bending over backwards anymore.
I'm taking a stand, and I'm not giving anymore.

I'm doing things for ME. I'm doing whatever will make ME happy from now on.
I'm MY number one.


Bring on all those hot, rugged, NICE cowboy's.
I know they are out there.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

for the records

No crying = fail

This morning was though
The afternoon was better
Tonight was a lost cause.
I started thinking...

September 15th 2007
Our wedding date. Oh how I cherish those happy memories, that night, the next morning. Saying my vows that I thought we would both live by forever.
Waking up the next morning to my husband.
Being thrilled over our future and all the things we would do and accomplish together.
Dreaming of our future. Thought we had so much to look forward to.

September 15th 2008
Feeling happy we made it a year. Wanting to experience many more. Looking forward to kids, to being happy. To always have each other.
Already thinking ahead to next year, dreaming more about our future.
Feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling like I had a spot in his heart.

September 15th 2009
Feeling so alone, so sad.
Thinking back to all the things we had, what could have been.
Saying goodbye. Letting go of dreams and hopes.
Thinking, how does one's life change so much in the course of 2 years.
Praying I could go back, could have just one more day, another chance.
Feeling empty.

I can't take it anymore. I quit.

I spoke to a friend that knows us both.
He is trying to move on, he is on the right path to do so.
I feel like My World just ended.

I am never ever going through this again.
I'm never going to let another person get close enough to hurt me this much ever again.
I am done.

Monday, September 14, 2009

being prepared

Tonight when I got home I made these amazing looking chocolate chip cookies.
They are good too, I couldn't help myself and had to sample one or four.

I made them to prepare for tomorrow.
Chocolate makes things better. I wish it also made things go away.
Tomorrow marks our 2 year anniversary.
Instead of celebrating, I'm going to eat these and will myself not to cry.
I'm so tired of crying.
I don't know what I will use to wash them down.
I know it won't be milk this time.
I will be okay, I will make it through tomorrow.
I will be okay, I will make it through tomorrow, I am strong.
Lord please give me strength.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

oops

On Monday, I went to town. I was bored.
I realize I have a slight issue...
Clearly I need to stay away from Michael's.

Friday, September 4, 2009

I was bored

This is what my boredom created.
I love doing crafty projects when I'm bored.
I know it's hard to see, sorry. That's what I get when I use my phone.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I Believe. It's Beautiful.

Finding things.

I have been on the search for many things.


Mainly something to fill the void.
Something to make me feel like I'm NOT alone.


There was something about this that moved me.

It made me feel.
It made me think.
After reading that it made me think, I had forgotten about so many important things.




I won't forget anymore.


I wear this on my wrist.
Every time I look down I feel better.
It's a comfort.
It's a reminder.

I'm not alone.