Why I love coming home

Seeing them makes me feel like I'm home.
Only someone who grew up around mountains would really understand it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!


I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday Season.

If I had a house...

(which I don't) I would decorate it. I love to decorate.
Without decorations it doesn't FEEL like Christmas to me.
To get the ol Christmas Spirit Rocking I would need:

1 Christmas Tree

1 pinch and 1 dash of festive decorations

1 pretty picture to hang above the fireplace

1 cowboy to love & to keep me warm at night

Lots of Babies with said Cowboy

Okay so the last 3 are things I would love to have year round...

With those 3 things I could be happy again.

every beginning has an end

Wednesday, December 16th 2009

Today at exactly 1:30 pm it is over.

Today is the end of this current chapter.

Today at exactly 1:31 pm it is just beginning.

Today is the beginning of a new chapter.

I feel like this is an appropriate ending. It's the same way things started.
In the beginning you spend all this time, all this build up for that one day. That one special day.

I now realize the same thing happens in the end.
The past year has been a build up for today. This one life changing day.

I am anxious, scared, sad, happy and confused all at once just like I was when it all started, 2 years ago.
I wonder what life will bring now? What will this chapter hold for me?

Behind it all

warning: I have some personal things just sitting and festering. They are starting to leak out. This is how I feel and I can't hold it in anymore. If I don't write it down here, I may have a nervous break down. This is my blog. This is my outlet.

I don't care if you don't like it. Don't read it... you have been warned.

.............................................

I am a guarded, jaded person. I wasn't always like this. I was always a private person, only showed what I wanted. The big difference from then to now? I never used to have to pretend to be happy. I never used to have to force a smile.

No one knows how I feel. Half the time, I don't really know how I feel. I have too much going through my head to sort through it all.

It's easier to hide and keep my face down when things get hard. No one wants to deal with the ugly, unhappy things.

So I hide everything. I save it to deal with later, when I am by myself.

I have to fight my tears everyday. When I can't fight them, I hide them.

You don't know what I feel. I'm not sure it would be understood.

I'm not sure anyone knows the real me. They only know what I choose to show.

I'm not sure people could really understand.

I don't think people would think I'm ok.

I don't think anyone understands that still my heart hurts and aches.

I don't think they understand that it's hard to get up in the morning, it's hard to breathe.

I don't think anyone knows how far I push myself and force that smile.

They don't know how hard it is. All they ask for is more and more.

I have had enough and I'm tired. I can't do it anymore.

I don't care anymore.

I'm not in a place in my life to be all puppies, flowers and love.
It's not fair that you ask so much of me.

I'm trying to do the best I can but enough is enough.

Everything keeps adding up and adds another brick to the wall.

A wall that keeps everything out, and me wonderfully numb.

Give me a break, or I'm afraid the wall will never leave. I will never heal.

beautiful envy

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday.

The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.

Papyrus

Tuesday Night

It's cold tonight. No it's really cold.
We are topping out a whopping -36 degrees. This does not include windchill.

Yesterday I didn't have to work, because it was cold.
And they didn't have any heat in the office.
So I went to a friends house and hung out.
To keep myself entertained, I had a photo shoot... with myself.

Here are the results....

Isn't my life grand?

Your jealous aren't you? right? RIGHT??

Dream Catcher

Last night while I slept, I was dreaming.
It was good, crazy and a little strange.

I remember not wanting to open my eyes, and have my dream flutter away with the morning light. I fought to stay asleep as long as I could, putting off work and the new day.
I was trying to linger in the sweet escape that dream offered me.

Eventually when I did wake up, I could recall pretty vividly everything about my dream.
There were good parts that made my belly have butterflies.
There were crazy parts, I could see him smiling, but I couldn't make the rest of his face come to mind. I could feel his skin beneath my hands as I touched his hands and his arms.
I can even remember liking the way he smelled.
The strange part was I was suddenly in a room full of people I'm not sure where or who all these people were. All I know is they stuck around when all I wanted them to do was leave.
I wanted them to leave so I could be alone with him.

I don't have the slightest clue who "He" is. I never could really see his face, only his smile.

All I know is that smile brought me comfort, that smile made me feel good.
I felt whole again around that smile.

As the day went on, I tried to re-live my dream I tried to bring those images and those feelings to the fore front of my mind again.
Every time it was harder to concentrate on the details, harder to grasp at my dream.
I could see it fluttering in front of my eyes, I reach to grab it but my fingers go right through it as if I was reaching for the wind.

The only thing I remember for sure was that it was a good, crazy and somewhat strange dream I didn't want to wake up from.

Maybe tonight I will have the same dream.
Maybe I will be able to remember it after.
I want to keep this dream.

Even though it was only a dream, for a while I was happy with someone else.
Who that someone else is? I don't know, it doesn't really matter to me.

What matters is I know if I can dream me being with someone else. It eventually will happen.
I will be happy again.
I will be able to smile easily again.
I will be able to love again.
I won't have to be alone.

I'm going to catch this dream one day.

early bird

Sometime last week, I went elk hunting.
I had to get up early.
I had to hike all over the mountains looking for elk.
We didn't see anything. I basically took my gun for a walk.
However being up before the sun, and watching the sun rise on top of the mountain made it all worth it.
I adore sunsets.